The Fear

It's almost a month before my operation and I'm not scared one bit. I say this honestly, not trying to put on a brave front or with the intention of saying 'look at me, I'm tough'. It really isn't a big deal to me. People have spoke about feeling light headed when thinking of the operation, unable to stand. I wonder if more closer to the time, when I'm in my hospital room the day before the operation, maybe then I feel some of this fear. But right now it doesn't seem like a big deal to me. When I tell people I'm having a heart operation I always find myself following up with the phrase "It's really not a big deal, the risk is like 1% and it sounds worse than it actually is". Am I mad?

I will admit however, when I first found out about the operation I was in a bit of a daze. But that lasted all but 5 minutes. Why so short? A bird decided to leave it's 'white mark' on me as I walked down the street and I couldn't help but laugh.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just a rather passive person...I'm not sure this is a good thing however.

P.S. Am I the only British patient who didn't have their condition fully explained to them, or is this common in our country? I was always told that my condition was not too serious and that it could be fixed with the old 'balloon in the heart' operation. The first I heard about open heart surgery was when I was told I needed the operation. I really love the NHS for many things, but the lack of involvement I've had is really frustrating. Lucky for me I'm aware of how it works in America so I'm more proactive in engaging with doctors, doing research online (finally I can put my Research degree to use and easily understand the journal articles!).